I was lying in bed early this morning, wishing that I was sleeping, trying really hard not to think about how I don’t have a job for next year and failing miserably. I decided, as I have many times in similar situations, that I really need to start meditating again. I remembered the place I was in in the spring of 2008 and how 10 days of silence, attempting to clear my mind and feel everything in equanimity changed that place. I remembered the peace and the feeling of satisfaction that spread through me. So I sat up and spent 10 minutes trying to find that place… then I heard the coffee percolating downstairs and whatever clarity I was muddling towards vanished and was replaced with the fog that precedes my morning coffee. So I got up and drank my coffee and forgot about meditating, and about not having a job for that matter.
I ended up in the garden, and wandered around aimlessly for a bit. Jer was gone for the morning, and as I haven’t been around a lot lately, physically or mentally, I am not sure of the priorities. I know that blueberries are to be dug, I know that everything is to be watered, I know that lots of things are to be seeded or transplanted, but I don’t know what or where or how to do it so that it doesn’t have to be done again. So I sat down to weed the onions. I pulled grass and buttercup and thistles and bindweed, and I did it slowly and peacefully (if one can call causing the death of many living plants peaceful). I got dirt under my fingernails and between my toes and it made me feel better. Not all better better, but some better.
I went to get a massage recently because my carpal tunnel, caused by treeplanting, compounded by knitting, revigorated by gardening has flared. My massage therapist asked me what it feels like when I stop knitting and stop gardening. I looked at her questioningly… stopped knitting? Stopped? Like took a break? I knit when I read, when I play cards, when I’m sitting on the ferry. Sometimes I knit at red lights. Stop? It made me think about whether I glorify the act of being busy, but I don’t think I do. I choose to do slow things, like knitting and growing organic food. I choose to sit on my bum and weed onions by hand. I choose to do lots of things that keep me busy, but they’re meditative for me. I don’t know if actual meditation – the kind I did in Bolivia, sitting still for an hour to clear my mind – is what I need. I think I just need to get dirt under my fingernails every day.
Here’s some pictures.
The pictures pretty much tell the story of our lives lately – it’s been hot, so Jer jumped in the pond. Some plants are doing well, but it’s hot and dry, so lots of others are struggling through. The kale’s not so juicy, and the salad greens are confused. We had our first farmer’s market of the year, but for a long variety of reasons we didn’t have many vegetables… so we made jam. Frogs are filling up the pond, and that’s about all of the exciting details!